


The Weight of Living

by godsreverie



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Character Study, Implied Rinshiemi, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Okumura Rin Needs a Hug, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 16:35:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22499164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godsreverie/pseuds/godsreverie
Summary: An introspection of how Rin Okumura values himself and how he deals with all that bother him and beyond.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 162





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Rin thinks about disappearing is when he’s five years old. It was a time before he knew the harsh reality of his abnormal strength or the history of his birth. Back then, he was the kid no one wanted to be friends with. The other kids in his class were terrified of his outbursts and his instinct to start a fight whenever someone was bothering him or Yukio.

It was after one of those fights that really made him think. His adopted father had picked him up after his teacher had called explaining that Rin busted another boy’s nose. No one wanted to hear that he was picking on his baby brother first and wouldn’t leave him alone. He only did what he thought was right.

He was the labelled problem child though. He wasn’t totally stupid. He knew what people thought about him. Even outside of school, there was whisperings among his father’s congregation about him. ‘That boy has some serious issues’ or ‘why can’t he be more like his brother?’. He had heard listening to his teacher on the phone that he was close to being kicked out of his elementary school.

“I know you must have had a good reason but your first response can’t be violence. I thought I told you to make lots of friends,” Shiro stated as he reached over and patted the top of his head as he drove them both home. Rin couldn’t look him in the eyes, too upset at himself and everything else around him as tears pricked at his eyes and his hands balled up to his fists.

It was then that an idea came into his mind. Maybe he should run away from home. No one would miss him. He only caused trouble for the people he cared about. The congregation wouldn’t complain to his father behind closed doors. Yukio would stop being bullied because his brother is a freak. Sure, he was only five but he could figure something out. He could stuff his backpack with some clothes and snacks and sneak out during the night.

The car came to a stop and felt Shiro unbuckle his seat and lift him out of the car, immediately clinging to his shoulder and hiding his face into the crook of it. He didn’t want anyone to see him starting to cry and the shaky sobs escaping from his body.

“Would you be happy if I was gone…” The words come out just as they get to the front door of the monastery they called home and he feels Shiro stop in his tracks.

“Rin, I want you here with me and Yukio always. You two mean more than anything else. I know your brother would be heartbroken if you were gone.” He could hear the sadness in his voice as Shiro pulled Rin tighter into him. “I want you to talk to me if you feel like this again. Papa wants to help you.”

Rin just simply nods and wails into his shoulder for the rest of the night.

* * *

He’s thirteen and realized over time what he’s been feeling is wanting to die. Something painful and permanent. To become a name on a tombstone in the monastery cemetery and be forgotten.

Things never really got much better over the years. He had tried to take his father’s advice to do good but all it got him was people more frightened by his strength. The good he tried to accomplish only got him a reputation of being a monster. Not to mention, he was still taking out all the aggression he felt towards his life on anyone that dared tried to talk shit about him and Yukio.

It was also those fights he got into that made him realize that the pain of the aftermath made him feel better. The other guy always looked worse than he did but the sting of his bloodied knuckles or the pai of his nose gushing blood made his miserable existence feel a little less insufferable.

Suicide was a sin. Rin knew that much from the scriptures he was raised on. Anyone that killed themselves was destined to be thrown into Hell after death. It wasn’t like he was going to Heaven anyways. A cursed child like him at least deserved that.

He couldn’t bring himself to fully commit to the idea of ending it all. It would be too much trouble for the old man and Yukio to plan his funeral and deal with the aftermath of his suicide. It would ruin the reputation of the monastery. Shiro was a hardass and sometimes a major perv but he gained the respect of his congregation with his sermons.

Yukio would be fine too. He was no longer the easy target of playground bullying. He had grown into an extremely intelligent and driven young man who had every girl in their middle school gushing about his good looks. While he was still shy and awkward around other people, Rin was watching a person that no longer needed him anymore. He didn’t want to cause trouble for the only person he would call a friend.

So, the older Okumura started developing a habit to recreate that need for self punishment. He would wait until he heard the creak of their lower bunk bed, the signal that Yukio was finally crashing for the night as he faked sleeping, and make his way into the bathroom. It was small, cramped, and needed a paint job from the ghastly mustard yellow its walls were covered in. But it was here that Rin could be at peace with his loathing as he grabbed a small razor blade he kept hidden in their medical cabinet and sunk down to the floor in front of the door.

Slice. Rin bites down on his lower lip as he feels the sting of the razor cutting the skin of his left wrist. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did when he started a few months ago but it was enough. The suffering felt good, his own form of divine punishment as he continued making slashes along his arm and stared at the blood seeping onto the floor before repeating the motion with his other arm.

Once he was satisfied with the amount of cuts on his arms and the bleeding stopped that he would clean up the evidence with a nearby towel and scrubbing up the dried blood caking his arms. The towel would go into his portion of the laundry to be washed the next morning before he started breakfast in the morning to hide what he had done.

He slowly lifts himself off the floor and fumbles his way to the pews of the monastery, the moonlight shining in through the stained glassed windows. It gave this place a haunting atmosphere, the silence almost deafening as he sunk to his knees.

This is where Rin would pray to the God his father devoted his life’s work to and asked for the forgiveness he could never receive for being born. 

* * *

He’s fifteen and the whole world he’s ever known crumbles before his very eyes. In a matter of hours, he’s been chased by demons and been told he was born the son of Satan. Everyone was right about him being a monster. He was a demon now. The pieces all fell together in his mind but the rage in knowing the truth hidden from him for his whole life boiled over and it had cost him.

He was now staring down at the body of Father Fujimoto, lifeless and cold after stabbing himself in the heart to save Rin from the thing that claimed to be his real father. Several of his fingers with mangled to shreds or missing entirely and a good portion of his face had rotted away. Rin had covered his body with his suit jacket so no one would see.

He’s not sure how long he stays beside the body, cold and stiff as Rin sobs over top of him. He killed his father and the last words he ever said to him was how much he hated him. He could never take that back. He could never be forgiven for this night as he screamed his regrets into the empty halls of the pews until his throat felt so raw that it throbbed making the smallest of whimpers.

He couldn’t allow himself to live anymore. How could he face Yukio and tell him the truth? No, he was born a normal human being. He could never know about what he was. It would be better if he never showed his face to anyone again. He had no right to the sacrifice that was made for him. It was wasted on someone as pathetic as him.

He mindlessly wanders into the kitchen, vision blurry from the amount of tears shed. He could make out the knife block kept on the counter and shakily gripped the standard chef’s knife out of the block. He had just sharpened all of his knives last week for his regular cooking duties around the houses. There should be no resistance then.

Stab. He plunged the knife down deep into the top of his forearm as he let out a scream. He could feel the stabbing up into his head but he couldn’t stop now. The blood was gushing all over the kitchen floor and counter as he already felt lightheaded, sinking onto his knees as he slowly dug the blade deeper down his forearm.

It was a few moments later that he realized that God had truly handed him his punishment and cursed him to live with what he had done.

His arm was closing itself back up. He watched in horror as the deep gash he gave himself slowly closed itself back up, leaving no trace that he had harmed himself besides the blood that coated his arm and the area surrounding him.

“This has to be a fucking joke…” the voice that came out of him didn’t sound like him. It was broken and weak. He could feel his throat screaming in pain for even uttering a sentence.

So, he tries again. One two, three times he jams the knife into his arm, deeper and more forceful with every movement. He hoped that repeating the action will end his life but his arm only continues to heal itself back up by the time he makes the next assault on himself.

He drops the knife onto the floor and curls himself into a ball, head between his legs as tears he thought had long stopped flowed out of his eyes again, the painful and hollow laugh of a boy that had lost everything ringing through the empty monastery.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin recieves the comfort from the two people that mean the most to him.

The rain felt like dozens of pins sticking into his skin as he stood in front of the grave, using the rainwater to conceal the tears he was shedding. He had managed to hold himself together throughout the service but he was alone now with his thoughts. He wished the rainwater could drown away his sorrows and his memories.

He hadn’t really slept since the night Father Fujimoto died. How could he? He was responsible for his death and that constant reminder flooded his mind any time he attempted to rest. He had taken to sleeping in the pews to not wake his brother with his screaming. He was trying to upheld the image of the strong older brother but everything was crumbling around him.

He and Yukio had barely spoken since he had returned home to that horrific sight. How could they? He would never believe the truth and Yukio must be blaming him for what happened. Rin didn’t give him not to when he found him on the kitchen floor, covered in a mix of Shiro’s and his own blood as he kept mumbling about how it was all his fault.

The next two days was spent planning the funeral service. Members of the congregation came and went, offering their condolences to the second orphaned twins. Yukio handled most of them while Rin only gave quiet ‘thank you’s and nods. His only real input was requesting a closed casket ceremony. No one needed to see what his body was reduced to.

Now, he was standing by himself, still wishing it was him in that grave. So many people spoke at the service today about how beloved Father Fujimoto was and what he meant to their community. No one would miss Rin, not for long anyways. He was left here without a direction to head into.

So when that stupid clown approached him and asked what he planned to do, he made a decision he was surprised he made until it left his mouth. He would atone for his sins by becoming an exorcist and defeating Satan, even though it felt like it would never be enough.

* * *

The guilt inside him started to grow and fester as he began his training and first year of high school. The truth that Yukio had been learning the way of an exorcist since he was seven for his sake. He knew the truth of what happened to their adopted father and what he was really was. It crushed him like a ton of bricks knowing he had robbed his brother of his childhood and a normal life. He loathed himself so much but he wondered if Yukio loathed him even more.

They seemed to find a semblance of normalcy between the two of them since they were rooming together again. Rin would prepare their breakfast and lunch, iron their uniforms for school, and walk home together when they could to have dinner and settle for bed. There was a lot of unspoken things between the both of them but for now, it was enough.

The older Okumura was caught off guard about how often Yukio came home late with his duties as a full fledged exorcist. His brother was a quiet comfort despite the tension that threatened to one day burst the dam of their emotions. It gave too much time to dwell on things he hoped to push down.

He made his way up to the roof of the mostly abandoned dorm and leaned his arms on the railing. The sky was clear, illuminated by the twinkle of stars and the crescent moon looming above. As a kid, he had learnt to sneak onto the roof of the monastery and be alone with his thoughts. He also sometimes went up there to cut his arms if he felt like he might get caught in the bathroom.

Those thoughts still remained. They were even worse than before. He didn’t deserve this chance he had been given. He wished he could disappear forever, somehow erase the fact that he was born so his brother could have the simple life he deserved. There was no one he loved more than his baby brother and all he had done since birth was make his suffer.

His eyes drifted down to the ground, staring at the pavement path that lead to their dormitory building. He knew that he couldn’t slit his wrists to give him that release but maybe…

Rin barely makes it to the top of the railing before he feels a tug on his wrist, jerking him back to the solid ground of the roof. It only takes a few seconds for him to regain his balance and turn himself around, eyes widening at the sight.

Yukio is standing in front of him, both hands trembling as he keeps his hold on his brother’s wrist. His eyes were downcast and glancing to the side, a familiar sign to Rin that he’s trying not to burst into tears. While he had shed his crybaby persona of childhood but he knew that he was still sensitive deep down.

He stared dumbfound at his little brother for what seemed like an eternity before he was pulled into a tight embrace, Yukio clinging to him like he would vanish at any moment. He had never been a hugger, even when they were children. He can’t even remember the last time they had done this. It had to be at least in elementary school.

This hug spoke a thousand words though, words Rin knew his brother would struggle to speak out loud. He felt like for the first time in a long time, he felt like someone still needed him. Someone wanted him to be in his life, no matter how complicated their relationship was. The feelings convened caused Rin to cling as tightly as Yukio was, letting himself sob into his brother’s broad shoulder.

Even if he contained his hiccups, he could feel Yukio’s tears dripping onto his shirt too.

* * *

Shiemi Moriyama is an angel. Not really but Rin thought she was the closest person he would ever meet to one. Her golden locks were tied into a small ponytail and the kimono she usually wore were rolled up to her shoulders as her hands were carving out another hole for her plants. Rin thought he had never seen anything cuter.

It truly was love at her first sight for him that day they had met in her family garden and that feeling only got stronger as he got to know her in their training. She was kind beyond words and sweet as candy, with a strong will to success and do her best. How could anyone not be infatuated by her presence?

Sure, he felt like he was starting to make friends from his newfound rivalry and admiration of Bon to the laid back womanizer Shima. Even the quiet and reserved Konekomaru and the icy Izumo (who he playfully called Eyebrows) were warming up to him. Shiemi was special among them though.

She had asked for his assistance in planting her various flowers and plants for the upcoming summer season and he was happy to help. His bangs were pinned up with the clip Bon had gifted him and his shirt sleeves pushed to his elbows as he placed the seeds Shiemi had laid out for him to set down into the soil.

The atmosphere was comfortable between them with Shiemi humming filling the air. She really was the cutest thing in the universe. He was just glad to be her presence. He didn’t deserve to feel this, let alone entertain the idea of one day being with her romantically. He was a demon and would only bring her pain. This would have to be enough.

He was so distracted by his own thoughts that he almost didn’t notice their elbows collide into each other, both of them wincing and rubbing their elbows. His guard was down enough for Shiemi to notice something odd.

“Rin, what happened to your arms?”

“My… arms?” Shit! He had totally forgot. While the slashes of what he attempted the night Shiro died left no scars, the marks of his self harm over the years still marred the skin on his arms. He had been careless. Of course she would notice.

He scrambled to push down his sleeves, face growing hot with embarrassment and shame as nervous laughter escaped his mouth. “Those!? It’s nothing! Just old scars from all the fights I got into! Sorry you had to see them…”

The look in her eyes when he glanced back over at her was heartbreaking. There was an obvious sadness, eyes a bit misted over with tears. She was so caring. He didn’t deserve her pity. What a pathetic being he was.

Shiemi slowly pulled his sleeve back up, freezing when Rin flinches away from the touch. “Please. I promise I won’t hurt you.” Her plead was quiet and soft, like she was afraid he would shatter under her delicate hands. He couldn’t deny her after that, offering his arm up to her. She knew he was laying himself bare for her and she would not betray that.

Her fingers ghosted over the scars on his forearm, his skin warm to underneath her fingertips as she placed her cheek on his arm. The blush on Rin’s face was the darkest shade of red and extending down his neck. “S-Shiemi?”

“You don’t have to tell me. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it yet. I won’t force you. Just promise me you won’t suffer alone anymore. You mean so much to all of us, Rin. Especially to me.”

Rin felt so overwhelmed by her words that he wanted to cry. He never thought someone would tell him that he was loved and wanted. “I don’t deserve it…”

“You do! You do more than anyone. Your warmth brings us all together. You always put us before yourself. I… I would be so lonely without you. You and Yuki-chan opened up my world. So please, even if you don’t think you deserve it, come to me when you need someone at your side.”

Whatever thought he was forming was halted by her lips brushing against the biggest scar along his wrist before resting her cheek on his arm again. He let himself stroke her cheek with his thumb, the smallest and most adorable smile rising on her lips.

* * * 

Rin Okumura would always have these feelings of self hatred and guilt. It would always be eating away at the back of his mind. But as he sat in his dorm room surrounded by all his friends and family, he thought that maybe his life was worth living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this and all your kind words. Follow me @godsreverie on Twitter for more fic updates

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Follow me on godsreverie for updates


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